On December 1st I went outside in the dark of night, while it was pouring down rain, stood at the patch of ground that resembled a grave and cried out to God. Initially, I looked over to the two sheep that stood watching me intensely (the y normally run from me). They reminded me of angels at that moment and I began my prayer asking that if they were angles that they would carry my prayers to God. I stood in the rain praying for some time, after which time I went back inside and penned the following in my journal:
I went outside in the pouring down rain, deep in the umbrella of night and prayed, crying to God. I stood on my in-laws property, at the patch of ground where an RV used to reside. The ground looked like that of a fresh grave, green grass surrounded it. I prayed that God would show me His love for me. A friend of mine told me I needed to pray that God would show me His romantic love for me. I tried to oblige her and I prayed and let go.
I have dug a grave for myself by the many times and many sins I chose to partake in, I was pushed in the grave by the sins of others, but I was buried in that grave by my husband. My life, my hopes and dreams, they are all lost. Buried beneath the earth. I asked God to either let me except the fact that they are dead or resurrect those dreams. I have tried to love my husband well, but I cannot. If love was all that was needed to free him from his addiction, then he would have been healed a long time ago. But that is not how it works. So, now I hand over my husband, my beloved, my betrothed, and let God do with our relationship as He sees fit. I pray for miracles and redemption, but I also pray for his best, even if that means my broken heart will never be healed. He has found comfort in the arms of another. She is a prostitute and as upsetting as that is, I have begun to pray for her as well. For them. I pray that God would redeem them individually and together. I pray that with gut wrenching pain and tears flowing down my face, sobs crying out from the depths of my soul. The anguish of that reality is painful. But I love my husband enough to want what is best for him, even if it means that his not with me.
My whole life I have wanted to be married, to to have a husband that loved me, adored and cherished me. I longed for that love that would never leave. That would stick it out. Love never fails. My marriage did. Does that mean he didn't love me? It feels like my whole life has been spent trying to find the desires of my heart. I either a) find them or b) let them go and they find me, either way, I turn around and loose them once again. Am I not meant to be loved while I live? Did I have this desire only to be tormented with it my entire life? I want that desire fulfilled. But I am afraid that I am going to be punished for all my previous sins and never know the joy of that desire fulfilled, only the momentary illusion of its fulfillment. I fell in love with my husband. The gentle, loving, passionate, sweet, talented, smart, attractive, godly man...I fell for him. I miss him. I love him still, even though he has cheated, lied, stole, manipulated, betrayed, misused. For better or worse. I want the better, but it's been mainly the "worse." Yet I would rather have that, then not have him at all, because I love him.
God, He is in Your hands. Our marriage is in Your hands. Our future is in Your hands. Give me the strength and faith to leave them there until you either give them back healed or give me something better. Do I get better? Better would be a healed/ redeemed marriage. Better would be my hearts desire fulfilled. I have spent my whole life wanting to be loved, yet never feeling like I could be. Am I to suffer this until I die?
I put down the pen, said, "OK, Lord, it's your turn" and opened my bible to my nightly Psalm, that night it just happened to be 116 (niv):
I love the Lord, for he heard my voice; he heard my cry for mercy.
Because he turned his ear to me, I will call on him as long as I live.
The cords of death entangled me, the anguish of the grave came upon me; I was overcome by trouble and sorrow.
Then I called on the name of the Lord: "O Lord, save me!"
The Lord is gracious and righteous; our God is full of compassion.
The Lord protects the simplehearted; when I was in great need he saved me.
Be at rest once more, O my soul, for the Lord has been good to you.
For you, O Lord, have delivered my soul from death, my eyes from tears, my feet from stumbling, that I may walk before the Lord in the land of the living.
I believed; therefore I said, "I am greatly afflicted"
And in my dismay I said, "All men are liars."
How can I repay the Lord for all his goodness to me?
I will lift up the cup of salvation and call on the name of the Lord.
I will fulfill my vows to the Lord in the presence of all his people.
Precious in the sight of the Lord is the death of his saints.
O Lord, truly I am your servant; I am your servant, the son of your maidservant; you have freed me from my chains.
I will sacrifice a thank offering to you and call on the name of the Lord.
I will fulfill my vows to the Lord in the presence of all his people,
in the courts of the house of the Lord - in your midst, O Jerusalem. Praise the Lord.
If nothing else, I would have to say that God heard my prayer. Now I need only stand and wait for Him to direct me...like the wind moving the eagle. I'm in position. I know the wind is coming. For now, I'm ready and waiting...
