A few years ago my world was turned upside down by the sins of another...my husband. He chose to lie, cheat and steal, all so he could chase that next high. He lost himself and his way and found himself with different women and situations than he ever imagined he could. When he was arrested, a part of me was relieved because at least I would know where he was and that he was safe. However, when I heard the roll call of his sins and received the news of the sentencing, my heart was shattered.
As time went on I found myself crushed under the consequences of his sin. I wasn't using drugs or stealing, I wasn't cheating and lying, yet his choices had left me and my children homeless. His decisions left our children fatherless. His choices left me without my husband and helpmate while I discovered that we have a high needs child and my oldest child rebelled with the news. My world fell apart and all as a result of sins I did not commit.
There was a day (more than one, but on this particular day) that I was complaining to God about the weight of the consequences of "his" sin...sin I didn't commit. And then it hit me...
Jesus really has walked in my shoes. Only instead of carrying the weight of just one person's sin, He carried it all. Here I was buckeling under the pressure of a few consequences of sin and complainng to the One who felt the pressure of EVERY sin. I love how God can gently tell me to get over myself and lovingly put me in check. He's patient with me and for that I am thankful.
Tonight I heard the song, "He Knows" by Jeremy Camp for the first time. There is a line in the song that says, "and all the weight that brings you to your knees...He knows, He knows..." As soon as I heard those words I instantly was reminded of this lesson and was given an image of my cross dropping me to my knees...and He knows...He knows the weight of someone else's sin. He knows what it feels like to love the person whose sin is crushing you. He knows what forgiveness is and how to bestow it. But I know that the consequences of my sin crushed Him. I know that I broke His heart. And I know that He loves me still. I know I am loved and I am blessed by my Savior. I know...I know...
Tuesday, December 2, 2014
Wednesday, October 15, 2014
Locked Antlers...
Today, while streaming Facebook, I was drawn to a youtube video that showed up in my news feed. The video was almost a year old and showed two men in a boat, trying to free a buck. The buck was neck deep in the water, fighting for it's life, with a dead buck entangled in it's antlers. The buck was tired. He didn't know that the men in that boat were only trying to help. And every time that buck tried to rest, the men would try and remove the dead buck. Every chance they could, they would hit the antlers of the dead buck, trying to break them free. As I watched, I looked at the men and thought, "Buddy, I bet you feel like another enemy, 'cause I bet every blow to the dead antlers feel like an attack to him."
As I watched the rescue attempt, I could relate to that buck. I had dead weight (even though it was from a victory I had won), somehow there was a part of that victory stuck to me and I couldn't shake it loose. I have been neck deep, feeling as if I'm going to drown and right before I go under taking another blow. I've even cried out to God in anger, "Really?! Can't I catch a break?!?! I need rest, not more attacks!" But as I watched the video, God gave me a new perspective on what I had gone through. What if those "blows" as I labeled them, were really only God's tools to try and shake the dead weight that remained from a battle already one? At one point in the video, one of the men said the obvious, the buck is drowning. Yet every time the men tried to free the buck, that buck would fight. I watched, and the men in that boat were actually driving that buck to fight, and that drive to fight helped keep that buck alive. That got me thinking; what if when I was going through my season of storms, what if those things that felt so horrible were really there to keep the fight in me because God knew I would loose the battle if I lost my will to fight? I watched the men in that boat terrify that buck every time they approached. And when did they approach? When the buck had stopped fighting...when it was giving up and as they approached, he fought. When the victorious buck had been freed from the dead buck's antlers, he leaped out of the water. Exhausted and terrified he never looked back.
"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." ~Roman's 8:28
Lord, thank You that You never leave us nor forsake us. Thank You that even those things that feel like attacks are merely Your way of freeing us from bondage and dead weight. Help me to stop running from You during those times and trust that You are good and while it may feel like it's going to kill me, it will work out. You will complete the work you have begun.
As I watched the rescue attempt, I could relate to that buck. I had dead weight (even though it was from a victory I had won), somehow there was a part of that victory stuck to me and I couldn't shake it loose. I have been neck deep, feeling as if I'm going to drown and right before I go under taking another blow. I've even cried out to God in anger, "Really?! Can't I catch a break?!?! I need rest, not more attacks!" But as I watched the video, God gave me a new perspective on what I had gone through. What if those "blows" as I labeled them, were really only God's tools to try and shake the dead weight that remained from a battle already one? At one point in the video, one of the men said the obvious, the buck is drowning. Yet every time the men tried to free the buck, that buck would fight. I watched, and the men in that boat were actually driving that buck to fight, and that drive to fight helped keep that buck alive. That got me thinking; what if when I was going through my season of storms, what if those things that felt so horrible were really there to keep the fight in me because God knew I would loose the battle if I lost my will to fight? I watched the men in that boat terrify that buck every time they approached. And when did they approach? When the buck had stopped fighting...when it was giving up and as they approached, he fought. When the victorious buck had been freed from the dead buck's antlers, he leaped out of the water. Exhausted and terrified he never looked back.
"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." ~Roman's 8:28
Lord, thank You that You never leave us nor forsake us. Thank You that even those things that feel like attacks are merely Your way of freeing us from bondage and dead weight. Help me to stop running from You during those times and trust that You are good and while it may feel like it's going to kill me, it will work out. You will complete the work you have begun.
Thursday, September 18, 2014
The News
Today I got the call...turns out it's cancer...AGAIN. I hate how it always catches me off guard. Tonight my mom and I went to pick up the boys from daycare. On the way home, we took the road with the "big hill." Arms up in the air, squealing with delight. Looking back at my precious boys, giggling as they tried to keep their hands up while their tummies were tickled by gravity. It was such a sweet moment. We turned onto another road and then my phone rang. It was the surgeon...calling me...after business hours. In the medical field, the saying is, "No news is good news." I was taken back. I knew what it probably meant, but the biopsies came back cancer free and he didn't say anything after surgery. Why was he calling me...confusion laced with denial...I knew.
Yeah, I have beaten cancer several times before. At this point I'm collecting cancer diagnosis like some girls collect Girl Scout badges. I really need to get a new hobby. ;) I know I will probably be just fine after this battle, but what I'm afraid to think, what I'm afraid to admit is that my body grows tired and weaker with every bout. How many more times do I have in me? I joke that I'm OK because I get nine lives and I haven't used them all yet, but we are over half way there.
However, I must say, that I'm thankful that each time I have gotten the diagnosis, it has been when I was enjoying life. It has always been after I have dusted myself off from some fall caused by the force of life. BUT, I've always gotten up. And good for me for living and loving life when I have those moments that catch me off guard. I have three amazing boys. They are my treasures in this life. They make the stars shine brighter, point out life's rainbows and dance with me in the rain. My life is sweeter because they are in it. And I'm thankful that when I catch a curve ball in this game called life, I'm found enjoying life.
I have a beautiful life. Today's news sucked. I do not look forward to another surgery, but thank God for a new day, for my beautiful children that brighten my day like the sun, for wonderful family and friends and for all the little things that bless my life each day.
Yeah, I have beaten cancer several times before. At this point I'm collecting cancer diagnosis like some girls collect Girl Scout badges. I really need to get a new hobby. ;) I know I will probably be just fine after this battle, but what I'm afraid to think, what I'm afraid to admit is that my body grows tired and weaker with every bout. How many more times do I have in me? I joke that I'm OK because I get nine lives and I haven't used them all yet, but we are over half way there.
However, I must say, that I'm thankful that each time I have gotten the diagnosis, it has been when I was enjoying life. It has always been after I have dusted myself off from some fall caused by the force of life. BUT, I've always gotten up. And good for me for living and loving life when I have those moments that catch me off guard. I have three amazing boys. They are my treasures in this life. They make the stars shine brighter, point out life's rainbows and dance with me in the rain. My life is sweeter because they are in it. And I'm thankful that when I catch a curve ball in this game called life, I'm found enjoying life.
I have a beautiful life. Today's news sucked. I do not look forward to another surgery, but thank God for a new day, for my beautiful children that brighten my day like the sun, for wonderful family and friends and for all the little things that bless my life each day.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)