When my now ex-husband, fell into a battle with a heroin addiction, I didn't see how I would survive. I was a mother of three, trying desperately to make it on my own, though doubting my abilities. I kept crying out for God to save me, help me, and at times just to give me rest. On the nights that I prayed for rest, when I needed it most desperately, those seemed to be the nights that my children ended up sick all night and I would find myself sick the next day. I was so angry at God. I prayed for what I needed and was given the opposite. His ways are not our ways. In the years that followed my separation and divorce, God was strengthening me and teaching me to stand with Him, on my own. I grew up a timid girl, afraid of so many things. I always wanted someone to take care of me and keep me safe. That was the wounded child that had not healed. Instead, God showed something so much greater. He showed me that, in Him, I could take care of myself, in Him was my strength and in Him was my safety.
After my divorce, some would say that I backslid. 'Man looks at the outward appearance, but God looks at the heart.' What appeared to those around me like I was backsliding, was really God walking me through a valley of darkness, into my own healing. In 2000, while I was undergoing a cancer battle for the second time, I prayed that God would pull the weeds in my heart up by the roots, once and for all. I prayed that prayer for 16 years. And This year, the answer finally came and He showed me the roots of my wounds. Once the weeds were uprooted, the healing process began. Through all the years of heartache and pain, He was with me. Through my anger and despair, He was with me. In my moments of desperate need, He was with me. When my strength was gone, He was with me. I may not have arrived, but I am definitely getting there. The other night, I was in turmoil working through some things. I went outside in the midst of the storm and prayed under a tree in my yard. I thanked God for the storm, because it was a comfort to me, in that moment of inner turmoil. I no sooner prayed that, then the wind bent down a tree branch high above me and the wet leaves gently brushed my cheek. Some would call that nature or coincidence, but I know that was my God loving on me and reminding me that He was with me.
His ways are so much higher than mine. I'm so thankful that what may have looked like the end to me, was really the beginning of a beautiful healing. Cancer was not the worst thing I've gone through, carrying a deep wound within my heart for 38 years was. Thank you Lord for never leaving me, never forsaking me and answering my prayers for healing in Your perfect timing.
