On December 1st I went outside in the dark of night, while it was pouring down rain, stood at the patch of ground that resembled a grave and cried out to God. Initially, I looked over to the two sheep that stood watching me intensely (the y normally run from me). They reminded me of angels at that moment and I began my prayer asking that if they were angles that they would carry my prayers to God. I stood in the rain praying for some time, after which time I went back inside and penned the following in my journal:
I went outside in the pouring down rain, deep in the umbrella of night and prayed, crying to God. I stood on my in-laws property, at the patch of ground where an RV used to reside. The ground looked like that of a fresh grave, green grass surrounded it. I prayed that God would show me His love for me. A friend of mine told me I needed to pray that God would show me His romantic love for me. I tried to oblige her and I prayed and let go.
I have dug a grave for myself by the many times and many sins I chose to partake in, I was pushed in the grave by the sins of others, but I was buried in that grave by my husband. My life, my hopes and dreams, they are all lost. Buried beneath the earth. I asked God to either let me except the fact that they are dead or resurrect those dreams. I have tried to love my husband well, but I cannot. If love was all that was needed to free him from his addiction, then he would have been healed a long time ago. But that is not how it works. So, now I hand over my husband, my beloved, my betrothed, and let God do with our relationship as He sees fit. I pray for miracles and redemption, but I also pray for his best, even if that means my broken heart will never be healed. He has found comfort in the arms of another. She is a prostitute and as upsetting as that is, I have begun to pray for her as well. For them. I pray that God would redeem them individually and together. I pray that with gut wrenching pain and tears flowing down my face, sobs crying out from the depths of my soul. The anguish of that reality is painful. But I love my husband enough to want what is best for him, even if it means that his not with me.
My whole life I have wanted to be married, to to have a husband that loved me, adored and cherished me. I longed for that love that would never leave. That would stick it out. Love never fails. My marriage did. Does that mean he didn't love me? It feels like my whole life has been spent trying to find the desires of my heart. I either a) find them or b) let them go and they find me, either way, I turn around and loose them once again. Am I not meant to be loved while I live? Did I have this desire only to be tormented with it my entire life? I want that desire fulfilled. But I am afraid that I am going to be punished for all my previous sins and never know the joy of that desire fulfilled, only the momentary illusion of its fulfillment. I fell in love with my husband. The gentle, loving, passionate, sweet, talented, smart, attractive, godly man...I fell for him. I miss him. I love him still, even though he has cheated, lied, stole, manipulated, betrayed, misused. For better or worse. I want the better, but it's been mainly the "worse." Yet I would rather have that, then not have him at all, because I love him.
God, He is in Your hands. Our marriage is in Your hands. Our future is in Your hands. Give me the strength and faith to leave them there until you either give them back healed or give me something better. Do I get better? Better would be a healed/ redeemed marriage. Better would be my hearts desire fulfilled. I have spent my whole life wanting to be loved, yet never feeling like I could be. Am I to suffer this until I die?
I put down the pen, said, "OK, Lord, it's your turn" and opened my bible to my nightly Psalm, that night it just happened to be 116 (niv):
I love the Lord, for he heard my voice; he heard my cry for mercy.
Because he turned his ear to me, I will call on him as long as I live.
The cords of death entangled me, the anguish of the grave came upon me; I was overcome by trouble and sorrow.
Then I called on the name of the Lord: "O Lord, save me!"
The Lord is gracious and righteous; our God is full of compassion.
The Lord protects the simplehearted; when I was in great need he saved me.
Be at rest once more, O my soul, for the Lord has been good to you.
For you, O Lord, have delivered my soul from death, my eyes from tears, my feet from stumbling, that I may walk before the Lord in the land of the living.
I believed; therefore I said, "I am greatly afflicted"
And in my dismay I said, "All men are liars."
How can I repay the Lord for all his goodness to me?
I will lift up the cup of salvation and call on the name of the Lord.
I will fulfill my vows to the Lord in the presence of all his people.
Precious in the sight of the Lord is the death of his saints.
O Lord, truly I am your servant; I am your servant, the son of your maidservant; you have freed me from my chains.
I will sacrifice a thank offering to you and call on the name of the Lord.
I will fulfill my vows to the Lord in the presence of all his people,
in the courts of the house of the Lord - in your midst, O Jerusalem. Praise the Lord.
If nothing else, I would have to say that God heard my prayer. Now I need only stand and wait for Him to direct me...like the wind moving the eagle. I'm in position. I know the wind is coming. For now, I'm ready and waiting...
Wednesday, December 5, 2012
Tuesday, November 6, 2012
Tasted and Seen
Since as long as I can remember, I have dreamed of having a family. Perhaps it was my parents separation when I was little. But what ever set that desire ablaze, what I do know is that I have spent my whole life searching for that relationship that would bring me "MY" own family. That relationship that would make me finally feel loved. I sought someone that would love me for who I am, someone that would be a companion in this life, someone that would encourage me when I was scared to try, someone to lean on in hard times and rejoice with in good times. Instead of my dream life I ended up being an unwed single mom as a teen.
Years later I met my husband. We met at church, had the same beliefs, the same aspirations, the same passions. It seemed like I would finally get that which I had always wanted. Yet the rug was pulled out from under me in a swift and painful jolt. With my beliefs in place, I tried desperately to hang in there and save the marriage God had blessed me with. Two children later I am a married, single mother of three. My husband has left me for a life a drugs and another woman. He has left me with the rubble and a broken heart. Yesterday I cried all day and most of the night. I thought the tears would never end. And to top it all off, my two little ones had a stomach bug. So in-between sobs, I was mopping up vomit and changing liquid soiled diapers.
Then today came. All day one question kept running through my head, "He chose drugs over this?!" My husband will never again have to change diapers or clean up vomit or deal with the temper tantrums and the late nights, but he will also miss out on the spontaneous hugs and "I love you's", the forts, dancing, the races, the victories, those moments of laughter and joy. He chose drugs over all that. And all I can say is, "His loss." But I wouldn't change any of it!
Tonight as I glanced in the boys' room, to check on them, I realized something. I have spent my whole life looking for the relationship that would make me feel loved, when all the while God was trying to show me how loved I already was through all those around me. My children, my family, my friends and at times complete strangers. I am very blessed. And I am loved. Why did it take me until now to see that God didn't give me that perfect relationship, He gave me something FAR greater!
I have finally tasted and now I see just how good the LORD really is. Why did it take me until now? Who knows. But thankful am I that I finally get it.
Years later I met my husband. We met at church, had the same beliefs, the same aspirations, the same passions. It seemed like I would finally get that which I had always wanted. Yet the rug was pulled out from under me in a swift and painful jolt. With my beliefs in place, I tried desperately to hang in there and save the marriage God had blessed me with. Two children later I am a married, single mother of three. My husband has left me for a life a drugs and another woman. He has left me with the rubble and a broken heart. Yesterday I cried all day and most of the night. I thought the tears would never end. And to top it all off, my two little ones had a stomach bug. So in-between sobs, I was mopping up vomit and changing liquid soiled diapers.
Then today came. All day one question kept running through my head, "He chose drugs over this?!" My husband will never again have to change diapers or clean up vomit or deal with the temper tantrums and the late nights, but he will also miss out on the spontaneous hugs and "I love you's", the forts, dancing, the races, the victories, those moments of laughter and joy. He chose drugs over all that. And all I can say is, "His loss." But I wouldn't change any of it!
Tonight as I glanced in the boys' room, to check on them, I realized something. I have spent my whole life looking for the relationship that would make me feel loved, when all the while God was trying to show me how loved I already was through all those around me. My children, my family, my friends and at times complete strangers. I am very blessed. And I am loved. Why did it take me until now to see that God didn't give me that perfect relationship, He gave me something FAR greater!
I have finally tasted and now I see just how good the LORD really is. Why did it take me until now? Who knows. But thankful am I that I finally get it.
Sunday, November 4, 2012
How?
How do you let go of who you are?
How do you tear and welcome the scars?
How do you fight the urge to save?
How do you lay your dreams in the grave?
How do you undo what should be done?
How do you divide that which is one?
How do you stop the tears as they fall?
How do you move on from it all?
Once divided it's never the same.
This isn't funny. It isn't a game.
Devastated. You left me this way.
Move on? Perhaps. Maybe someday.
This isn't fair. This isn't fun.
You said forever. You were the one.
A heart divided. A broken thing.
Tossed aside like our wedding ring.
How do I tell our children the news?
Daddy left us for the drugs he abused.
Thursday, November 1, 2012
When it rains, it pours...
Sometimes life kicks you when you're down...again...and again...and again. It's been over a year since my husband and I separated and last week was pure hell. My van was stolen, one of my children disclosed sex abuse, I had to find a new daycare, I got hit with a garnishment, my husband relapsed and disappeared...
I find myself asking, "why?" and "what good could POSSIBLY come from this!" It feels like every time I start to find my footing, life drop kicks me and keeps on kicking. And I'm tired. I'm tired of tasting the bad. I'm tired of hoping things are going to get better. Could it be worse? Yes. I've learned it can ALWAYS be worse. But that doesn't make it suck any less.
Psalm 27:13 says, "I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living."
Lately, my faith has been devoured and is nothing more than that of a mustard seed, a mustard seed that is rapidly wilting. I have spent most of my life believing that I would see the goodness of the LORD in this life. And have I? Yes. Yet it seems that for every ounce of goodness I see, there is tons of evil and despair poured out. It doesn't add up. And the weight is crushing. I am lost in the darkness of this never ending night. Praying for strength and reprieve from the constant attack of trials. I am weary. And I long for rest.
Lord, my soul is dried up. It thirsts so greatly that it no longer feels the thirst. Yet desperate for Your living water it is. Weary am I. In this life their are trials, many and great. You have overcome this life. Help me do the same. Slay my enemies. Lead me beside still waters. Grant my soul rest. Lord, I believe, help my unbelief.
I find myself asking, "why?" and "what good could POSSIBLY come from this!" It feels like every time I start to find my footing, life drop kicks me and keeps on kicking. And I'm tired. I'm tired of tasting the bad. I'm tired of hoping things are going to get better. Could it be worse? Yes. I've learned it can ALWAYS be worse. But that doesn't make it suck any less.
Psalm 27:13 says, "I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living."
Lately, my faith has been devoured and is nothing more than that of a mustard seed, a mustard seed that is rapidly wilting. I have spent most of my life believing that I would see the goodness of the LORD in this life. And have I? Yes. Yet it seems that for every ounce of goodness I see, there is tons of evil and despair poured out. It doesn't add up. And the weight is crushing. I am lost in the darkness of this never ending night. Praying for strength and reprieve from the constant attack of trials. I am weary. And I long for rest.
Lord, my soul is dried up. It thirsts so greatly that it no longer feels the thirst. Yet desperate for Your living water it is. Weary am I. In this life their are trials, many and great. You have overcome this life. Help me do the same. Slay my enemies. Lead me beside still waters. Grant my soul rest. Lord, I believe, help my unbelief.
Monday, August 6, 2012
Valley of trouble
"Therefore, behold, I will allure her, Will bring her into the wilderness, And
speak comfort to her. I will give her her vineyards from there, And the Valley of Achor as a door of hope; She shall sing there, As in the days of her youth, As in the day when she came up from the land of Egypt" - Hosea 2:14-15
Lately I have heard several people say, "This trial/these trials are going to kill me." And I've even said so myself. Then I got to thinking...I have been fighting hardships and trials that seem to constantly seek to destroy me. If God is allowing them, then I pondered why that might be. What I concluded was that if God is allowing hardships to roll constantly my way and rest is to far off to grasp, then perhaps God is allowing these trials to "kill me" so to speak. Dying to ones self is never an easy thing to do and when God calls for COMPLETE submission, it is in a humbled, reverent state that we find Him, waiting for us.
Trials have come calling like the howling wind before the tornadoes hit. Ear piercing. Nerve shattering. Rocks you to your core. Yet, notice that the Lord, "[brought Gomer] into the wilderness." The Lord goes before us. He is our vanguard. And everything He walks us through is for a purpose. Often it is for our growth. And sometimes it is so He can "speak comfort" to us. How often does it take the noise and pain of the trials to quiet me to listen to His voice, follow His leading and hear His Words of encouragement. Often, like the nightingale, my voice rises in song, during the night hours. To know hardship and the pain of unrelenting suffering, is also to know the gentleness and sweetness of our Comforter.
Gomer was led to the Valley of Achor. The word Achor means "trouble, disturbance." The name Gomer means "complete." The Lord allowed Gomer to walk through the Valley of Troubles so that she could find the door of hope. And once she found Him, her Door of Hope, she was finally made complete. When she chased her lovers, those things the world has to offer, she had complete sorrow. Yet when she returned to her Husband, she had complete Hope.
Like Gomer, I find myself running from my Beloved, giving up the eternal for the temporal, the everlasting for the immediate, the Holy for the chains. Yet how my heart aches to be complete in Him. How I long to sit at the Lords feet and remain there, unwavering. Though I strive to do so, I often find myself crawling back to Him, filthy, broken and beaten by this world. Yet He is ever faithful to give "beauty for ashes, The oil of joy for mourning, The garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness;"time and time again.
Last month I journaled this:
Last night Brad was praying for healing for our family. I admit, my heart was not in the prayer as I was super tired, but our faithful God met me where I was at. For after Brad prayed for healing for our family, I silently thought, "I just want to go to bed. Hmmm. Healing occurs when? At night...when you're sleeping." I am currently in the darkness of night, but God is using it to heal. In the darkness of the trial, healing is occurring. It's in the darkness of the night that God is teaching my husband to step out of the chains that have already been loosened. It is in the darkness of the trial that God is giving me new strength from a new, deeper relationship and dependency on Him. Yes it is dark, and because of the darkness of the Valley of Troubles, there is much I can not see. But I am learning to Lean on Jesus in a way only this season of troubles and darkness could bring. And getting to know Christ more is worth any cost.
Perhaps the reason this season of trials feel like they are going to "kill me" is because they are supposed to...they are meant to cause me to die to self and live for Christ...COMPLETELY. And perhaps when these trials are trying to take me under, I need only bow down at His feet and wait for Him to raise me up. "My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials", James 1:2 because "Those who sow in tears Shall reap in joy." Psalm 126: 5 and where is Joy found? In His presence.
Lord help me to die to self so that I might live for You...COMPLETELY. And may I once again find the fullness of joy that comes from being in Your presence. Only this time, may I never leave.
Lately I have heard several people say, "This trial/these trials are going to kill me." And I've even said so myself. Then I got to thinking...I have been fighting hardships and trials that seem to constantly seek to destroy me. If God is allowing them, then I pondered why that might be. What I concluded was that if God is allowing hardships to roll constantly my way and rest is to far off to grasp, then perhaps God is allowing these trials to "kill me" so to speak. Dying to ones self is never an easy thing to do and when God calls for COMPLETE submission, it is in a humbled, reverent state that we find Him, waiting for us.
Trials have come calling like the howling wind before the tornadoes hit. Ear piercing. Nerve shattering. Rocks you to your core. Yet, notice that the Lord, "[brought Gomer] into the wilderness." The Lord goes before us. He is our vanguard. And everything He walks us through is for a purpose. Often it is for our growth. And sometimes it is so He can "speak comfort" to us. How often does it take the noise and pain of the trials to quiet me to listen to His voice, follow His leading and hear His Words of encouragement. Often, like the nightingale, my voice rises in song, during the night hours. To know hardship and the pain of unrelenting suffering, is also to know the gentleness and sweetness of our Comforter.
Gomer was led to the Valley of Achor. The word Achor means "trouble, disturbance." The name Gomer means "complete." The Lord allowed Gomer to walk through the Valley of Troubles so that she could find the door of hope. And once she found Him, her Door of Hope, she was finally made complete. When she chased her lovers, those things the world has to offer, she had complete sorrow. Yet when she returned to her Husband, she had complete Hope.
Like Gomer, I find myself running from my Beloved, giving up the eternal for the temporal, the everlasting for the immediate, the Holy for the chains. Yet how my heart aches to be complete in Him. How I long to sit at the Lords feet and remain there, unwavering. Though I strive to do so, I often find myself crawling back to Him, filthy, broken and beaten by this world. Yet He is ever faithful to give "beauty for ashes, The oil of joy for mourning, The garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness;"time and time again.
Last month I journaled this:
Last night Brad was praying for healing for our family. I admit, my heart was not in the prayer as I was super tired, but our faithful God met me where I was at. For after Brad prayed for healing for our family, I silently thought, "I just want to go to bed. Hmmm. Healing occurs when? At night...when you're sleeping." I am currently in the darkness of night, but God is using it to heal. In the darkness of the trial, healing is occurring. It's in the darkness of the night that God is teaching my husband to step out of the chains that have already been loosened. It is in the darkness of the trial that God is giving me new strength from a new, deeper relationship and dependency on Him. Yes it is dark, and because of the darkness of the Valley of Troubles, there is much I can not see. But I am learning to Lean on Jesus in a way only this season of troubles and darkness could bring. And getting to know Christ more is worth any cost.
Perhaps the reason this season of trials feel like they are going to "kill me" is because they are supposed to...they are meant to cause me to die to self and live for Christ...COMPLETELY. And perhaps when these trials are trying to take me under, I need only bow down at His feet and wait for Him to raise me up. "My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials", James 1:2 because "Those who sow in tears Shall reap in joy." Psalm 126: 5 and where is Joy found? In His presence.
Lord help me to die to self so that I might live for You...COMPLETELY. And may I once again find the fullness of joy that comes from being in Your presence. Only this time, may I never leave.
Sunday, July 15, 2012
Valley of Weeping
"Blessed is the man whose strength is in You, Whose heart is set on pilgrimage. As they pass through the Valley of Baca, They make it a spring; The rain also covers it with pools. " -Psalm 84:5-6
Lately I have been in a "desert season," a season that caused me to shed many tears in anguish. In this season I have only been able to stand and walk through it, because the Lord is my strength. My heart is set on pilgrimage...I am dead set on reaching the other side of this season of trials...I am dead set on victory...and it has been the death of me...the death of self.
I have found myself in the Valley of Baca. The word Baca literally means "weeping." One thing that the Lord has used to strengthen me is that I know my tears are not shed in vain. Psalm 56:8 says, "You number my wanderings; Put my tears into Your bottle; [Are they] not in Your book?" God knows every tear I've cried and I know He will use them for good (Rom. 8:28). How do I know? Besides seeing this truth time and again, He has brought someone into my life that has walked where I am walking now. Her tears shed in the desert have become a spring. And God is using her tears to refresh me in this dry season of trials.
There is something incredibly comforting when you know that the person you are talking to knows what you are going through. Sometimes a look is all it takes for her to know exactly what's going on and there is something so refreshing in that. God "comforts us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort those who are in any trouble, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God." -2 Cor. 1:4 The fact that God can take the desert places of our lives and turn them into pools of refreshment for those that will one day walk the same desert plane, gives me courage and strength to continue on.
Thank You Lord that You never leave nor forsake us. Thank You that You use all things for good. Thank You that you can take, what may seem like wasted tears, and turn them into refreshment for others. Thank You that we do not walk alone. And thank You for Your sweet comfort that refreshes the weary traveler.
Lately I have been in a "desert season," a season that caused me to shed many tears in anguish. In this season I have only been able to stand and walk through it, because the Lord is my strength. My heart is set on pilgrimage...I am dead set on reaching the other side of this season of trials...I am dead set on victory...and it has been the death of me...the death of self.
I have found myself in the Valley of Baca. The word Baca literally means "weeping." One thing that the Lord has used to strengthen me is that I know my tears are not shed in vain. Psalm 56:8 says, "You number my wanderings; Put my tears into Your bottle; [Are they] not in Your book?" God knows every tear I've cried and I know He will use them for good (Rom. 8:28). How do I know? Besides seeing this truth time and again, He has brought someone into my life that has walked where I am walking now. Her tears shed in the desert have become a spring. And God is using her tears to refresh me in this dry season of trials.
There is something incredibly comforting when you know that the person you are talking to knows what you are going through. Sometimes a look is all it takes for her to know exactly what's going on and there is something so refreshing in that. God "comforts us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort those who are in any trouble, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God." -2 Cor. 1:4 The fact that God can take the desert places of our lives and turn them into pools of refreshment for those that will one day walk the same desert plane, gives me courage and strength to continue on.
Thank You Lord that You never leave nor forsake us. Thank You that You use all things for good. Thank You that you can take, what may seem like wasted tears, and turn them into refreshment for others. Thank You that we do not walk alone. And thank You for Your sweet comfort that refreshes the weary traveler.
Monday, July 2, 2012
Beyond the Shore
Anchor. Another reoccurring theme. In a season when I am being tossed by the sea, the shore of singleness is the closest shore, yet God is gently whispering, "Be Still." He knows what is across this sea of trials. He knows each wave that crashes down on me and threatens to take me under. He knows I have been guilty of looking back and crying, "Did you bring us out of Egypt to die?" Yet He also knows what the result will be of my remaining in Him during this storm. He knows what fruit will one day be harvested, as a result of this painful season of plowing, and He deems it worth it.
Last night the sermon was on anchoring deeper into Christ. The depth of our anchor reveals the depth of our trust in Christ. I have SLOWLY been learning to trust Him. He has been so patient and sweet with this fearful child. Yet now He asks me to toss it all over board and wait for Him to calm the storm, and steer my ship to the other side. How deep is my anchor? I will only survive if I throw my anchor completely over. An anchor let down only part way will only leave the ship vulnerable. The security comes with the complete submersion of the anchor. So I must submerse myself COMPLETELY in Christ, or I will not weather this storm.
To commit to remain in the midst of this storm seems absolutely ridiculous. Yet, that is what the Lord does ask of me. Remain still, cease striving and wait for Him to act.
Psalm 46:5
"God is in the midst of her, she shall not be moved. God will help her when morning dawns."
Though the darkness of night remains, when morning does come, so will my loving Father...to rescue His waiting child, who has been strengthened by the storm.
Thank You Lord that You see the end result and deem the trial worth it. Thank You that You are my Anchor; that which strengthens me and brings fruit in due season. Thank You for trusting me with these trials, may I be found faithful. Amen.
Last night the sermon was on anchoring deeper into Christ. The depth of our anchor reveals the depth of our trust in Christ. I have SLOWLY been learning to trust Him. He has been so patient and sweet with this fearful child. Yet now He asks me to toss it all over board and wait for Him to calm the storm, and steer my ship to the other side. How deep is my anchor? I will only survive if I throw my anchor completely over. An anchor let down only part way will only leave the ship vulnerable. The security comes with the complete submersion of the anchor. So I must submerse myself COMPLETELY in Christ, or I will not weather this storm.
To commit to remain in the midst of this storm seems absolutely ridiculous. Yet, that is what the Lord does ask of me. Remain still, cease striving and wait for Him to act.
Psalm 46:5
"God is in the midst of her, she shall not be moved. God will help her when morning dawns."
Though the darkness of night remains, when morning does come, so will my loving Father...to rescue His waiting child, who has been strengthened by the storm.
Thank You Lord that You see the end result and deem the trial worth it. Thank You that You are my Anchor; that which strengthens me and brings fruit in due season. Thank You for trusting me with these trials, may I be found faithful. Amen.
Sunday, July 1, 2012
ALL Things through Him
I can do all things through Him, this phrase has been coming at me in every direction for weeks now.
One of the first things that come to mind when I hear , "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me," (Phil. 4:13 NKJV) is the beginning of this trial. I was homeless with three kids, working full time, no money for move in costs, no time to find a place and running on fumes. I was still walking with God, but talk about feeling like I had been dropped. What had happened to God providing all my needs? I was emotionally and physically exhausted.
I had my first child out of wedlock at age 18. I came to the Lord, years later married my husband and had two more children. Now I was a single mother of three. I was now worse off then when I got married and it was overwhelming. I would wake everyday and say, "God, I can't do this!" After spending time in His Word, I would muster up the strength and courage to face another day. But I was weary. Everytime I prayed for rest, sickness struck my children, which led to sleepless nights and more exhaustion. I began getting angry everytime someone said that they would pray God would give me rest. It felt like a curse for more fatigue. And I became angry at God.
One night, in my anger, I cried out to God, with a tear-stained face. He answered me ever so gently and sweetly. "If you are asking for rest and are not receiving it, then perhaps child, you are asking for the wrong thing." That was NOT what I wanted to hear, but then I pondered what He had spoken to me. If I'm asking for rest and not getting it, then what was I supposed to ask for?!?! The answer was STRENGTH.
I began asking God, each morning, for the strength I needed for the day. What a difference the right prayer can make!!! He wasn't answering my prayers for rest, because He was trying to teach me something different...He was trying to strengthen me. And when I began asking for the right thing, suddenly I had just enough strength to get through the day. YES, I went to bed wiped out every night, but I had just enough strength to get through each day.
I remember the day that I cried, "GOD, I can't do this!" after beginning to pray for His strength. This time He answered and said, "But, look, you have been." What seemed so daunting, was in fact, my daily reality. A reality I was living out...in HIS strength.
Thank You, Lord, that you never leave us. Thank You for Your provision and Your patience. Thank You for Your persistance in teaching us to be more like You. Thank You that in You we CAN do all things.
One of the first things that come to mind when I hear , "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me," (Phil. 4:13 NKJV) is the beginning of this trial. I was homeless with three kids, working full time, no money for move in costs, no time to find a place and running on fumes. I was still walking with God, but talk about feeling like I had been dropped. What had happened to God providing all my needs? I was emotionally and physically exhausted.
I had my first child out of wedlock at age 18. I came to the Lord, years later married my husband and had two more children. Now I was a single mother of three. I was now worse off then when I got married and it was overwhelming. I would wake everyday and say, "God, I can't do this!" After spending time in His Word, I would muster up the strength and courage to face another day. But I was weary. Everytime I prayed for rest, sickness struck my children, which led to sleepless nights and more exhaustion. I began getting angry everytime someone said that they would pray God would give me rest. It felt like a curse for more fatigue. And I became angry at God.
One night, in my anger, I cried out to God, with a tear-stained face. He answered me ever so gently and sweetly. "If you are asking for rest and are not receiving it, then perhaps child, you are asking for the wrong thing." That was NOT what I wanted to hear, but then I pondered what He had spoken to me. If I'm asking for rest and not getting it, then what was I supposed to ask for?!?! The answer was STRENGTH.
I began asking God, each morning, for the strength I needed for the day. What a difference the right prayer can make!!! He wasn't answering my prayers for rest, because He was trying to teach me something different...He was trying to strengthen me. And when I began asking for the right thing, suddenly I had just enough strength to get through the day. YES, I went to bed wiped out every night, but I had just enough strength to get through each day.
I remember the day that I cried, "GOD, I can't do this!" after beginning to pray for His strength. This time He answered and said, "But, look, you have been." What seemed so daunting, was in fact, my daily reality. A reality I was living out...in HIS strength.
Thank You, Lord, that you never leave us. Thank You for Your provision and Your patience. Thank You for Your persistance in teaching us to be more like You. Thank You that in You we CAN do all things.
Sunday, June 17, 2012
Prayer for the Prodigal
In Luke 15:11-32 Jesus tells the story of the prodigal son. The prodigal left what he had for a moment of pleasure and it cost him everything...yet, when he was completely broken and at the end of himself, he returned to his father's house and his father welcomed him back with open arms...and the life that he once had was returned to him. And I bet it held a much greater value.
Like I've said before, I am separated from my husband, and praying God will work on his wayward heart. Today is Father's Day. Did he see his boys? No. He was chasing after that momentary pleasure that is now costing him far more than he wanted to pay. He sent me a text tonight that said, "I know that there is nothing I can say or do. I have abandoned you and I am lost. I don't want to be sick anymore. For so many reasons. I want you back. Please stop hating me. This is not me. I don't know where I have gone. Pray me back, it has to work because you're my wife. God is keeping you."
I share that text for two reasons, or rather, two reminders:
(1) No matter how lost the prodigal in your life is, no matter how far gone they may seem or how much pain they may have caused you, there is a part of them that hates where they have ended up.
(2) They have lost their way and need our prayers to find their way home.
You never truly know the heart of a prodigal, but you do know the heart of your God. He is faithful and will complete the work He has begun. Yes, my husband has hurt my children and I deeply. Yes, by the world's standard's we have every right to hate him. But by God's standard's, I have every reason to forgive him. My husband knows that if I am angry I will be unable to pray for him, thus the reason for his plea to stop hating him. Do I hate him? No. But I hate what he is choosing and I hate the cost. He has chosen death instead of life and now he is lost and cannot find his way home.
I watched a video once. I wish I could recall the title. But there is one line that haunts me still. A mother's son had been murdered. She went to the murderer's sentencing and prayed regarding the man that had murdered her child, "God you have forgiven so much, help me to forgive so little." That prayer was made from a tear stained face and a broken heart. And her prayer has become mine. The Lord forgave ALL. Who am I to hold a grudge against one, when I am a sinner too and just as guilty of the nails in His hands.
Lord, forgive me for my unforgiveness toward your prodigal son. Soften the soil of my heart and plant the fruit of forgiveness, patience and longsuffering. Help to honor my husband and his request to pray him back to You. And thank you that no matter how lost he is, he still knows that You hold us in Your hands. Amen
Like I've said before, I am separated from my husband, and praying God will work on his wayward heart. Today is Father's Day. Did he see his boys? No. He was chasing after that momentary pleasure that is now costing him far more than he wanted to pay. He sent me a text tonight that said, "I know that there is nothing I can say or do. I have abandoned you and I am lost. I don't want to be sick anymore. For so many reasons. I want you back. Please stop hating me. This is not me. I don't know where I have gone. Pray me back, it has to work because you're my wife. God is keeping you."
I share that text for two reasons, or rather, two reminders:
(1) No matter how lost the prodigal in your life is, no matter how far gone they may seem or how much pain they may have caused you, there is a part of them that hates where they have ended up.
(2) They have lost their way and need our prayers to find their way home.
You never truly know the heart of a prodigal, but you do know the heart of your God. He is faithful and will complete the work He has begun. Yes, my husband has hurt my children and I deeply. Yes, by the world's standard's we have every right to hate him. But by God's standard's, I have every reason to forgive him. My husband knows that if I am angry I will be unable to pray for him, thus the reason for his plea to stop hating him. Do I hate him? No. But I hate what he is choosing and I hate the cost. He has chosen death instead of life and now he is lost and cannot find his way home.
I watched a video once. I wish I could recall the title. But there is one line that haunts me still. A mother's son had been murdered. She went to the murderer's sentencing and prayed regarding the man that had murdered her child, "God you have forgiven so much, help me to forgive so little." That prayer was made from a tear stained face and a broken heart. And her prayer has become mine. The Lord forgave ALL. Who am I to hold a grudge against one, when I am a sinner too and just as guilty of the nails in His hands.
Lord, forgive me for my unforgiveness toward your prodigal son. Soften the soil of my heart and plant the fruit of forgiveness, patience and longsuffering. Help to honor my husband and his request to pray him back to You. And thank you that no matter how lost he is, he still knows that You hold us in Your hands. Amen
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
The Stench
My husband has recently found a new place to live...a place where people allow him to walk in his sin and don't call him to rise out of the bondage. But prior to him finding this new place, he spent a season homeless. Some may disagree with letting your spouse go without a home when it is in your power to change the situation, but when their sinful lifestyle could potentially harm your children, then separation is a must. He has chosen drugs over his family once again. Even when it meant he had to sleep outside in the cold.
He sobered up one day, a while back, and wanted to come visit the kids. I had no idea what was headed my way. Sober, yes, but I knew it was only until he left. But the stench. I couldn't handle it. The smell that was upon him was overpowering and invaded my small home like the US military during battle. I made him take a shower, but his "clean" clothes had the same stench. I couldn't handle it and the visit was cut short. It took quite some time to get that smell out of the house, but it burned a lasting memory.
While my husband was over that day the Lord gave me a very clear and vivid picture of what our sin is like to Him. Oh how my heart aches that drugs are more important to my husband than our children or our relationship. We have been abandoned for a temporary high. A high that is taking him low. And each day that passes breaks my heart all the more. Yet that visit got me thinking...'this must be how the Lord feels when I choose my sin over Him.' The hurt is deep and I am so grieved over my husband's choice, just as the Lord must be when I choose sin over Him, my Beloved. And the stench...what does the stench of my sin smell like to Him? My husband's stench reminded me he was choosing a sinful lifestyle over the one we had committed to living. His stench reminded me of the rejection and reminded me that we were left alone because of his need for a high and I was FURIOUS. I hated that he stunk; it was a physical reminder of what he was choosing.
The Lord wants my heart, completely, and a relationship with me, yet how many times do I put something else before Him. The answer...WAY to often. I have put my job, children, house, house work, friends, sleep and even TV before Him. The items on my list aren't bad...until they are put before the Lord. How many times have I broken His heart by rejecting Him for something else? How many times have I come into His house with the stench of sin?
He sobered up one day, a while back, and wanted to come visit the kids. I had no idea what was headed my way. Sober, yes, but I knew it was only until he left. But the stench. I couldn't handle it. The smell that was upon him was overpowering and invaded my small home like the US military during battle. I made him take a shower, but his "clean" clothes had the same stench. I couldn't handle it and the visit was cut short. It took quite some time to get that smell out of the house, but it burned a lasting memory.
While my husband was over that day the Lord gave me a very clear and vivid picture of what our sin is like to Him. Oh how my heart aches that drugs are more important to my husband than our children or our relationship. We have been abandoned for a temporary high. A high that is taking him low. And each day that passes breaks my heart all the more. Yet that visit got me thinking...'this must be how the Lord feels when I choose my sin over Him.' The hurt is deep and I am so grieved over my husband's choice, just as the Lord must be when I choose sin over Him, my Beloved. And the stench...what does the stench of my sin smell like to Him? My husband's stench reminded me he was choosing a sinful lifestyle over the one we had committed to living. His stench reminded me of the rejection and reminded me that we were left alone because of his need for a high and I was FURIOUS. I hated that he stunk; it was a physical reminder of what he was choosing.
The Lord wants my heart, completely, and a relationship with me, yet how many times do I put something else before Him. The answer...WAY to often. I have put my job, children, house, house work, friends, sleep and even TV before Him. The items on my list aren't bad...until they are put before the Lord. How many times have I broken His heart by rejecting Him for something else? How many times have I come into His house with the stench of sin?
Saturday, May 5, 2012
3 Times, But then...
I am a writer. I have been since I was child. Writing is where I let loose and show myself completely. I have a hard time sharing what I write. I write down lessons as I'm learning them. I write down prayers and dreams. I write down my hurts and heartbreaks, my disappointments and fears. There are books I have already written. Yet most of what I have written I have never shared. I do not write for the benefit of others nor for their judgement. I write because it is as much a part of me as breathing.
I have written other blogs over the years, but never let many people read them, because it leaves me vulnerable. Yet here we go. Lately I have a heavy burden to write these lessons I'm living out. Paul denied knowing Christ three times. I have not been completely vulnerable when prompted to do so...a total of three times. The first time was in 2000. I was at OHSU, undergoing a bone marrow transplant. There was a boy on my floor and I felt like God was pushing me to go speak to him, but I was to afraid of what he would think of some girl walking into his room and telling him I felt like God wanted me to come encourage him. First epic fail. Then in 2005 I spoke at a women's retreat. God had laid it on my heart what needed to be said. I shared most of it, but God and I both know that I did not share all of it. Second epic fail. 2006, I led a small women's group, at a women's retreat in the Philippines. I had been told that the Philippine's didn't think much of single mothers, which I happened to be at that time, so I didn't share what the Lord was prompting me to share. Third epic fail.
Paul denied knowing Christ 3 times. I have denied sharing what He prompted me to share, not once, not twice, but three times. This time, I'm choosing to share, to expose it all. Why is this such a big deal for me? Perhaps because so many things in my life have brought me shame. Some have been the things that were done to me and some were the result of unwise decisions made on my part. Even now there is a sense of shame when I write this, for I am the wife of a heroin addict. The man I said I do to and the man I now know are two different people. But my God, He was there with us on our wedding day and He is here with us now. And I am clinging to Psalm 71:21 (niv):
"Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth you will again bring me up."
God has spoken to me, through His Word, time and again, and promised me that He would restore me and my life. For so many years I have been tossed to and fro by the waves of the storm I am in the midst of. I recently realized that I had been holding my breath and looking at my husband's actions and living in fear as though God's promises were dependent on my husband's actions. While I have suffered at the hand of my husband's sin, God's promises were not dependent on my husband. God is going to be faithful to restore my life, regardless of what road my husband chooses. I do not believe in divorce. I took a vow before God, that I would stand by him for better or worse, in sickness and in health, and though I didn't see this life coming, I want to honor the Lord and the vow I made to him. Even though my husband and I live apart now, we are both working to restore our marriage and honor the Lord in the process. Marriage is hard work and love is a choice.
Disney teaches all girls that you find your prince, get married and live happily ever after. The problem with all those Disney princess movies is that they fail to mention that the Prince is Christ and the 'Happily Ever After' happens after we leave this earth. So for now I will write with the vulnerability I once had as a child and seek to win and truly know the heart of my Prince each and every day that I have left.
I have written other blogs over the years, but never let many people read them, because it leaves me vulnerable. Yet here we go. Lately I have a heavy burden to write these lessons I'm living out. Paul denied knowing Christ three times. I have not been completely vulnerable when prompted to do so...a total of three times. The first time was in 2000. I was at OHSU, undergoing a bone marrow transplant. There was a boy on my floor and I felt like God was pushing me to go speak to him, but I was to afraid of what he would think of some girl walking into his room and telling him I felt like God wanted me to come encourage him. First epic fail. Then in 2005 I spoke at a women's retreat. God had laid it on my heart what needed to be said. I shared most of it, but God and I both know that I did not share all of it. Second epic fail. 2006, I led a small women's group, at a women's retreat in the Philippines. I had been told that the Philippine's didn't think much of single mothers, which I happened to be at that time, so I didn't share what the Lord was prompting me to share. Third epic fail.
Paul denied knowing Christ 3 times. I have denied sharing what He prompted me to share, not once, not twice, but three times. This time, I'm choosing to share, to expose it all. Why is this such a big deal for me? Perhaps because so many things in my life have brought me shame. Some have been the things that were done to me and some were the result of unwise decisions made on my part. Even now there is a sense of shame when I write this, for I am the wife of a heroin addict. The man I said I do to and the man I now know are two different people. But my God, He was there with us on our wedding day and He is here with us now. And I am clinging to Psalm 71:21 (niv):
"Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth you will again bring me up."
God has spoken to me, through His Word, time and again, and promised me that He would restore me and my life. For so many years I have been tossed to and fro by the waves of the storm I am in the midst of. I recently realized that I had been holding my breath and looking at my husband's actions and living in fear as though God's promises were dependent on my husband's actions. While I have suffered at the hand of my husband's sin, God's promises were not dependent on my husband. God is going to be faithful to restore my life, regardless of what road my husband chooses. I do not believe in divorce. I took a vow before God, that I would stand by him for better or worse, in sickness and in health, and though I didn't see this life coming, I want to honor the Lord and the vow I made to him. Even though my husband and I live apart now, we are both working to restore our marriage and honor the Lord in the process. Marriage is hard work and love is a choice.
Disney teaches all girls that you find your prince, get married and live happily ever after. The problem with all those Disney princess movies is that they fail to mention that the Prince is Christ and the 'Happily Ever After' happens after we leave this earth. So for now I will write with the vulnerability I once had as a child and seek to win and truly know the heart of my Prince each and every day that I have left.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)