Tasted and Seen

Since as long as I can remember, I have dreamed of having a family. Perhaps it was my parents separation when I was little. But what ever set that desire ablaze, what I do know is that I have spent my whole life searching for that relationship that would bring me "MY" own family. That relationship that would make me finally feel loved. I sought someone that would love me for who I am, someone that would be a companion in this life, someone that would encourage me when I was scared to try, someone to lean on in hard times and rejoice with in good times. Instead of my dream life I ended up being an unwed single mom as a teen.

Years later I met my husband. We met at church, had the same beliefs, the same aspirations, the same passions. It seemed like I would finally get that which I had always wanted. Yet the rug was pulled out from under me in a swift and painful jolt. With my beliefs in place, I tried desperately to hang in there and save the marriage God had blessed me with. Two children later I am a married, single mother of three. My husband has left me for a life a drugs and another woman. He has left me with the rubble and a broken heart. Yesterday I cried all day and most of the night. I thought the tears would never end. And to top it all off, my two little ones had a stomach bug. So in-between sobs, I was mopping up vomit and changing liquid soiled diapers.

Then today came. All day one question kept running through my head, "He chose drugs over this?!" My husband will never again have to change diapers or clean up vomit or deal with the temper tantrums and the late nights, but he will also miss out on the spontaneous hugs and "I love you's", the forts, dancing, the races, the victories, those moments of laughter and joy. He chose drugs over all that. And all I can say is, "His loss." But I wouldn't change any of it!

Tonight as I glanced in the boys' room, to check on them, I realized something. I have spent my whole life looking for the relationship that would make me feel loved, when all the while God was trying to show me how loved I already was through all those around me. My children, my family, my friends and at times complete strangers. I am very blessed. And I am loved. Why did it take me until now to see that God didn't give me that perfect relationship, He gave me something FAR greater!

I have finally tasted and now I see just how good the LORD really is. Why did it take me until now? Who knows. But thankful am I that I finally get it.

How?

How do you let go of who you are?

How do you tear and welcome the scars?

How do you fight the urge to save?

How do you lay your dreams in the grave?

How do you undo what should be done?

How do you divide that which is one?

How do you stop the tears as they fall?

How do you move on from it all?

Once divided it's never the same.

This isn't funny. It isn't a game.

Devastated. You left me this way.

Move on? Perhaps. Maybe someday.

This isn't fair. This isn't fun.

You said forever. You were the one.

A heart divided. A broken thing.

Tossed aside like our wedding ring.

How do I tell our children the news?

Daddy left us for the drugs he abused. 

When it rains, it pours...

Sometimes life kicks you when you're down...again...and again...and again. It's been over a year since my husband and I separated and last week was pure hell. My van was stolen, one of my children disclosed sex abuse, I had to find a new daycare, I got hit with a garnishment, my husband relapsed and disappeared...

I find myself asking, "why?" and "what good could POSSIBLY come from this!" It feels like every time I start to find my footing, life drop kicks me and keeps on kicking. And I'm tired. I'm tired of tasting the bad. I'm tired of hoping things are going to get better. Could it be worse? Yes. I've learned it can ALWAYS be worse. But that doesn't make it suck any less.

Psalm 27:13 says, "I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living."

Lately, my faith has been devoured and is nothing more than that of a mustard seed, a mustard seed that is rapidly wilting. I have spent most of my life believing that I would see the goodness of the LORD in this life. And have I? Yes. Yet it seems that for every ounce of goodness I see, there is tons of evil and despair poured out. It doesn't add up. And the weight is crushing. I am lost in the darkness of this never ending night. Praying for strength and reprieve from the constant attack of trials. I am weary. And I long for rest.

Lord, my soul is dried up. It thirsts so greatly that it no longer feels the thirst. Yet desperate for Your living water it is. Weary am I. In this life their are trials, many and great. You have overcome this life. Help me do the same. Slay my enemies. Lead me beside still waters. Grant my soul rest. Lord, I believe, help my unbelief.