His Ways

"for my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the LORD. "as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways." - Isaiah 55:8-9

When my now ex-husband, fell into a battle with a heroin addiction, I didn't see how I would survive. I was a mother of three, trying desperately to make it on my own, though doubting my abilities. I kept crying out for God to save me, help me, and at times just to give me rest. On the nights that I prayed for rest, when I needed it most desperately, those seemed to be the nights that my children ended up sick all night and I would find myself sick the next day. I was so angry at God. I prayed for what I needed and was given the opposite. His ways are not our ways. In the years that followed my separation and divorce, God was strengthening me and teaching me to stand with Him, on my own. I grew up a timid girl, afraid of so many things. I always wanted someone to take care of me and keep me safe. That was the wounded child that had not healed. Instead, God showed something so much greater. He showed me that, in Him, I could take care of myself, in Him was my strength and in Him was my safety.

After my divorce, some would say that I backslid. 'Man looks at the outward appearance, but God looks at the heart.' What appeared to those around me like I was backsliding, was really God walking me through a valley of darkness, into my own healing. In 2000, while I was undergoing a cancer battle for the second time, I prayed that God would pull the weeds in my heart up by the roots, once and for all. I prayed that prayer for 16 years. And This year, the answer finally came and He showed me the roots of my wounds. Once the weeds were uprooted, the healing process began. Through all the years of heartache and pain, He was with me. Through my anger and despair, He was with me. In my moments of desperate need, He was with me. When my strength was gone, He was with me. I may not have arrived, but I am definitely getting there. The other night, I was in turmoil working through some things. I went outside in the midst of the storm and prayed under a tree in my yard. I thanked God for the storm, because it was a comfort to me, in that moment of inner turmoil. I no sooner prayed that, then the wind bent down a tree branch high above me and the wet leaves gently brushed my cheek. Some would call that nature or coincidence, but I know that was my God loving on me and reminding me that He was with me.

His ways are so much higher than mine. I'm so thankful that what may have looked like the end to me, was really the beginning of a beautiful healing. Cancer was not the worst thing I've gone through, carrying a deep wound within my heart for 38 years was. Thank you Lord for never leaving me, never forsaking me and answering my prayers for healing in Your perfect timing.

Faith and Trust

A couple of weeks ago, I was at a group and the theme was "Let go and let God." We went around the room sharing things regarding that topic. I shared that I had no problem laying it down, it was the letting it go part that was difficult for me. God gave me an image of me, with a huge, heavy rock, trying to lay it down, but my fingers were glued to the rock. That has been a theme in my life. I have struggled with trusting God too. As a child, I was sexually abused, and after crying out to God to make it stop, I found myself in the grasp of yet another abuser. I have struggled trusting God (or anyone else, for that matter). On the drive home that night, God brought the image of me glued to that rock. I prayed and asked that He would teach me how to let it go. He whispered to my heart a question, "How many fingers do you have on each hand? And how many letters are in the word Faith and trust." There was my answer. In order to let go, I must have faith and trust in my God. As a child, I thought that I was trusting that what I prayed for would come to pass. I now recognize that the trust and faith is that God knows best and will use whatever comes to pass for my good and His glory.

Thankfully in His grip.
B

The Desert of My Heart

"Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be satisfied" - Mt. 5:6

That verse came up today at church, along with a question that was along the lines of, "what have you been thirsting for this week?"

My answer showed my heart's state. I didn't thirst for Him, I didn't thirst for any one or anything. What I was thirsting for was a clean house (I live with 2 boys that could be nicknamed Taz at times; though it's clean one minute it ain't the next). I stopped and thought about why that was so important this week. The answer? It wasn't even the clean house I was striving for. I was striving and thirsting for that peaceful feeling that comes when the house is clean and you can truly relax because there is nothing left to do. I wanted peace. Peace is what I had been striving for all week.

Yet, never once did I spend time at His feet. Sure I prayed, but that was me talking at Him. I never quieted myself before Him. I didn't sit at His feet. I didn't still myself before Him. Why? Because with all that has happened, my trust has been shaken. But did God change? No. Just my perception of Him. I started looking at Him through my circumstances, instead of looking at my circumstances through His eyes. I have let my circumstances become my focus and as a result, my heart has become a desert.

Several years ago God kept giving me this verse:

"Behold, I will do something new, now  it shall spring forth; will you not be aware of it? I will even make a roadway in the wilderness, rivers in the desert" -Is 43:19

That verse has been a promise of mine for years. Then, this year, on January 1st, the verse to kick off the year in my calendar turned out to be Is. 43:19. God had my attention. Weeks later I was going through some paperwork and came across an index card my ex-husband had written on. It was Is. 43:18-19:

18: "Do not call to mind the former things, or ponder things of the past"

19: "Behold, I will do something new,
Now it shall spring forth; Will you not be aware of it?
I will even make a roadway in the wilderness,
Rivers in the desert"

All these years, even though Isaiah is one of my favorite books of the bible, the 18th verse had been lost on me, until this year. I love God's timing! And I love that 18th verse. God is telling me to not think about or dwell on my past. But instead I am to behold, in other words, pay attention, look and see because He WILL do something new! God's telling me to let go of my past so I can behold my future. And He will make a road where there is no road. He will bring streams of His living water to the desert of my soul. All I have to do is look.

The thing about looking to Jesus is it begins to make you thirst for more of Him... the only place I am truly satisfied.

Thank you Lord for washing me with your word and renewing my thirst.  May I continue to seek You as long as I have breath.

He Knows

A few years ago my world was turned upside down by the sins of another...my husband. He chose to lie, cheat and steal, all so he could chase that next high. He lost himself and his way and found himself with different women and situations than he ever imagined he could.  When he was arrested, a part of me was relieved because at least I would know where he was and that he was safe. However, when I heard the roll call of his sins and received the news of the sentencing, my heart was shattered.

As time went on I found myself crushed under the consequences of his sin. I wasn't using drugs or stealing, I wasn't cheating and lying, yet his choices had left me and my children homeless. His decisions left our children fatherless. His choices left me without my husband and helpmate while I discovered that we have a high needs child and my oldest child rebelled with the news. My world fell apart and all as a result of sins I did not commit.

There was a day (more than one, but on this particular day) that I was complaining to God about the weight of the consequences of "his" sin...sin I didn't commit. And then it hit me...

Jesus really has walked in my shoes. Only instead of carrying the weight of just one person's sin, He carried it all. Here I was buckeling under the pressure of a few consequences of sin and complainng to the One who felt the pressure of EVERY sin. I love how God can gently tell me to get over myself and lovingly put me in check. He's patient with me and for that I am thankful.

Tonight I heard the song, "He Knows" by Jeremy Camp for the first time. There is a line in the song that says, "and all the weight that brings you to your knees...He knows, He knows..." As soon as I heard those words I instantly was reminded of this lesson and was given an image of my cross dropping me to my knees...and He knows...He knows the weight of someone else's sin. He knows what it feels like to love the person whose sin is crushing you. He knows what forgiveness is and how to bestow it. But I know that the consequences of my sin crushed Him. I know that I broke His heart. And I know that He loves me still. I know I am loved and I am blessed by my Savior. I know...I know...

Locked Antlers...

Today, while streaming Facebook, I was drawn to a youtube video that showed up in my news feed. The video was almost a year old and showed two men in a boat, trying to free a buck. The buck was neck deep in the water, fighting for it's life, with a dead buck entangled in it's antlers. The buck was tired. He didn't know that the men in that boat were only trying to help. And every time that buck tried to rest, the men would try and remove the dead buck. Every chance they could, they would hit the antlers of the dead buck, trying to break them free. As I watched, I looked at the men and thought, "Buddy, I bet you feel like another enemy, 'cause I bet every blow to the dead antlers feel like an attack to him."

As I watched the rescue attempt, I could relate to that buck. I had dead weight (even though it was from a victory I had won), somehow there was a part of that victory stuck to me and I couldn't shake it loose. I have been neck deep, feeling as if I'm going to drown and right before I go under taking another blow. I've even cried out to God in anger, "Really?! Can't I catch a break?!?! I need rest, not more attacks!" But as I watched the video, God gave me a new perspective on what  I had gone through. What if those "blows" as I labeled them, were really only God's tools to try and shake the dead weight that remained from a battle already one?  At one point in the video, one of the men said the obvious, the buck is drowning. Yet every time the men tried to free the buck, that buck would fight. I watched, and the men in that boat were actually driving that buck to fight, and that drive to fight helped keep that buck alive. That got me thinking; what if when I was going through my season of storms, what if those things that felt so horrible were really there to keep the fight in me because God knew I would loose the battle if I lost my will to fight? I watched the men in that boat terrify that buck every time they approached. And when did they approach? When the buck had stopped fighting...when it was giving up and as they approached,  he fought. When the victorious buck had been freed from the dead buck's antlers, he leaped out of the water. Exhausted and terrified he never looked back.

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." ~Roman's 8:28

Lord, thank You that You never leave us nor forsake us. Thank You that even those things that feel like attacks are merely Your way of freeing us from bondage and dead weight. Help me to stop running from You during those times and trust that You are good and while it may feel like it's going to kill me, it will  work out. You will complete the work you have begun.

The News

Today I got the call...turns out it's cancer...AGAIN. I hate how it always catches me off guard. Tonight my mom and I went to pick up the boys from daycare. On the way home, we took the road with the "big hill." Arms up in the air, squealing with delight. Looking back at my precious boys, giggling as they tried to keep their hands up while their tummies were tickled by gravity. It was such a sweet moment. We turned onto another road and then my phone rang. It was the surgeon...calling me...after business hours. In the medical field, the saying is, "No news is good news." I was taken back. I knew what it probably meant, but the biopsies came back cancer free and he didn't say anything after surgery. Why was he calling me...confusion laced with denial...I knew.

Yeah, I have beaten cancer several times before. At this point I'm collecting cancer diagnosis like some girls collect Girl Scout badges. I really need to get a new hobby. ;) I know I will probably be just fine after this battle, but what I'm afraid to think, what I'm afraid to admit is that my body grows tired and weaker with every bout. How many more times do I have in me? I joke that I'm OK because I get nine lives and I haven't used them all yet, but we are over half way there.

However, I must say, that I'm thankful that each time I have gotten the diagnosis, it has been when I was enjoying life. It has always been after I have dusted myself off from some fall caused by the force of life. BUT, I've always gotten up. And good for me for living and loving life when I have those moments that catch me off guard. I have three amazing boys. They are my treasures in this life. They make the stars shine brighter, point out life's rainbows and dance with me in the rain. My life is sweeter because they are in it. And I'm thankful that when I catch a curve ball in this game called life, I'm found enjoying life.

I have a beautiful life. Today's news sucked. I do not look forward to another surgery, but thank God for a new day, for my beautiful children that brighten my day like the sun, for wonderful family and friends and for all the little things that bless my life each day.

Silver Lining

At the beginning of this year I was in a class and they said that one way to relieve stress and improve your happiness was to take the time to recognize beauty. For the next week, we were to try and recognize all the beautiful things that crossed our path, no matter how small and take a moment to appreciate it. While I often notice the beautiful things around me, I had gotten so focused on life and the 'next item on the to-do-list' that I had stopped taking the time to take those things in and appreciate them. Yes, I am talking about stopping and smelling the flowers. I love taking pictures of nature and I had stopped doing photography, because you must slow down in order to do so. Yet this one class assignment helped me put on the brakes and really changed my outlook to it all.

Months after that class was over, I still found myself noticing the small things. In fact, when I was having a Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day (like the title of a beloved childhood story), I would seek out those beautiful things around me...even if it meant I was searching for some time. I knew they were there and I just needed to take the time to find them. What I found was that I began doing this with all aspects of my life. If I was having a bad day, I began looking for my silver lining...no matter how small. Did you know it's virtually impossible to stay in a bad mood if you are looking for the beauty/silver lining in each moment, because if you're looking, you will find it and finding beauty and the good in your day makes it all seem a little brighter. Like the silver lining of a cloud that seems to mirror whatever small amount of sun it finds. It illuminates it and magnifies it.

I realized that assignment had changed me for the better after I went to the beach recently. I had a most wonder and magical day and videos and photos were stored on my phone. My battery was dead at the end of the day and my son ended up loosing his shoes, which led to a dead car battery and sadly resulted in a lost phone with magical moments captured on it. At first I was devastated. That would normally be enough to sour my mood and my outlook on the day. But I realized that though there were those crazy things that happened at the tail end of the day, the day was still in fact magical and loosing my phone did not take away from that. So I reminded myself of all that had transpired and was grateful for the day and the few pictures I had uploaded (and grandma's camera that captured a few more).

The silver lining comes when you realize that though it's a bump or hiccup in the road, the road is still beautiful. Like today, I'm terribly anemic (on the verge of needing a blood transfusion per my doc) and I woke up to my two year old throwing up all over me and the rug (silver lining: it wasn't all over my new mattress) and my 5 year old who had Scarlet Fever (silver lining: doctor gave him his choice of two stickers, he chose two and gave one to his little brother), but the silver lining is that I get to be their mother. They are so sweet and bring so much joy to my life and to every day and I get the honor of being called their mother. So on days like today, when there is defiantly a bump in the road, I stop and rejoice in those moments we were able to laugh and be silly and play and enjoy being a family. Because all those small moments really add up to one amazingly blessed life!