I am a writer. I have been since I was child. Writing is where I let loose and show myself completely. I have a hard time sharing what I write. I write down lessons as I'm learning them. I write down prayers and dreams. I write down my hurts and heartbreaks, my disappointments and fears. There are books I have already written. Yet most of what I have written I have never shared. I do not write for the benefit of others nor for their judgement. I write because it is as much a part of me as breathing.
I have written other blogs over the years, but never let many people read them, because it leaves me vulnerable. Yet here we go. Lately I have a heavy burden to write these lessons I'm living out. Paul denied knowing Christ three times. I have not been completely vulnerable when prompted to do so...a total of three times. The first time was in 2000. I was at OHSU, undergoing a bone marrow transplant. There was a boy on my floor and I felt like God was pushing me to go speak to him, but I was to afraid of what he would think of some girl walking into his room and telling him I felt like God wanted me to come encourage him. First epic fail. Then in 2005 I spoke at a women's retreat. God had laid it on my heart what needed to be said. I shared most of it, but God and I both know that I did not share all of it. Second epic fail. 2006, I led a small women's group, at a women's retreat in the Philippines. I had been told that the Philippine's didn't think much of single mothers, which I happened to be at that time, so I didn't share what the Lord was prompting me to share. Third epic fail.
Paul denied knowing Christ 3 times. I have denied sharing what He prompted me to share, not once, not twice, but three times. This time, I'm choosing to share, to expose it all. Why is this such a big deal for me? Perhaps because so many things in my life have brought me shame. Some have been the things that were done to me and some were the result of unwise decisions made on my part. Even now there is a sense of shame when I write this, for I am the wife of a heroin addict. The man I said I do to and the man I now know are two different people. But my God, He was there with us on our wedding day and He is here with us now. And I am clinging to Psalm 71:21 (niv):
"Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth you will again bring me up."
God has spoken to me, through His Word, time and again, and promised me that He would restore me and my life. For so many years I have been tossed to and fro by the waves of the storm I am in the midst of. I recently realized that I had been holding my breath and looking at my husband's actions and living in fear as though God's promises were dependent on my husband's actions. While I have suffered at the hand of my husband's sin, God's promises were not dependent on my husband. God is going to be faithful to restore my life, regardless of what road my husband chooses. I do not believe in divorce. I took a vow before God, that I would stand by him for better or worse, in sickness and in health, and though I didn't see this life coming, I want to honor the Lord and the vow I made to him. Even though my husband and I live apart now, we are both working to restore our marriage and honor the Lord in the process. Marriage is hard work and love is a choice.
Disney teaches all girls that you find your prince, get married and live happily ever after. The problem with all those Disney princess movies is that they fail to mention that the Prince is Christ and the 'Happily Ever After' happens after we leave this earth. So for now I will write with the vulnerability I once had as a child and seek to win and truly know the heart of my Prince each and every day that I have left.
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